Self Discovery in an Unlikely Place

I am wide awake at 6:19 a.m. and while I would like to say it's because I'm shooting for that whole "the early bird catches the worm" thing, it's actually because I have yet to go to bed. I am typically getting up at this hour and instead I have now been awake almost 24 hours straight. What is the reason, you ask? Well, about 14 hours ago I started filming my Bachelor audition video (for those of you reading this that don't know the significance of this, I was contacted about a month ago by a producer for the Bachelor, asking me to submit an audition tape for consideration for the upcoming season of the show), about 45 minutes ago, we finished editing the video, and in about another 45 minutes, the final DVD will be burned and ready to go. I have to say, I was REALLY nervous about this undertaking, because when it comes to anything related to TV production, I am a MAJOR, almost to the point of being annoying, perfectionist. I had this idea in my head of what the video should look like and I just wasn't sure if it was possible to transform that idea into a reality. Now, 14 hours later, I have to say...everything I imagined wanting the video to be pales in comparison to the finished product. My sweet, sweet friend and former roommate Jason is an incredibly accomplished director, photog and editor and was kind enough to take an entire 14+ hours out of his life to help me brainstorm, execute and edit the perfect audition video. I don't say it's perfect because I'm such an excellent subject but because HE is jaw-droppingly talented and will probably be known around the world someday for making beautiful films. The 10 minutes he managed to put together play out like a small screen fairytale...so much so that I was moved to tears while watching the last minute or so of the video. And while I will say that I tend to be my own harshest critic (my hair's too big! My head is too long! I need to lose weight!), I have nothing whatsoever to criticize about my heart. If I ever doubted the fact that I am a complete and total hopeless romantic, watching my big, thumping heart in action on the small screen forever cemented it. I realized while watching myself just how hopeful and idealistic and full of faith I am when it comes to love. Sometimes I question myself and wonder if I'm open enough or positive enough or if I somehow come across to men as being closed off. I will never question that about myself again. I might not be perfect, I might be flawed and quirky and even sometimes awkward when it comes to love, but I am, as my name means, "Worthy of Love." And the guys who have caught a glimpse of my heart and walked away from it clearly weren't worthy of that love. And I won't waste another wink of sleep wondering what I did wrong, because it was most definitely THEIR bad. Amazing how something as seeminlgy superficial as an audition tape to be on the Bachelor can suddenly open your eyes to who you really are. And if I never get on the show, and if this is the lesson I was meant to learn from all of this, it was totally, 100% worth it.

And so am I.